Building and Losing: The Paradox of Relationships in Pastoral Care

Recently, @joshriech shared a striking statistic: while the average person goes through 5-7 significant losses in their lifetime, pastors face that number annually. As someone who’s been in pastoral ministry for over a quarter of a century, I come across data like this fairly regularly. The digital era has amplified the accessibility of such information, with social media platforms becoming hotbeds for sharing and commenting on these insights. At first, this particular statistic didn’t seem to resonate; it came and went without leaving a lasting impression. However, days later, its significance hit me with undeniable force. If there’s even a shred of truth to this figure, it implies that I’ve navigated the complexities of losing more than a hundred meaningful relationships during my pastoral journey. But it’s not just about the losses. This revolving door of relationships also demands that I consistently form new, valuable connections, a process that requires no small amount of emotional resilience. It’s a continual balancing act that can be emotionally taxing, to say the least. This newfound awareness has both enlightened me and underscored the emotional rigor inherent in pastoral work.

As a pastor, the majority of my friendships emanate from the congregation I serve, a unique spiritual hub known as The Village, co-founded with Pastor @rodhugen. This isn’t just a church; it’s a thriving community where my wife and I have invested substantial emotional and spiritual capital. In fact, we joined forces in communal living with @keithbrunson and @juliebrunson, aspiring to create an environment that genuinely and creatively connects people with the way of Jesus. In this pastoral journey, the experience has not been without its share of challenges and sorrows. I’ve confronted losses due to an array of factors: mortality, betrayal, differing political views, emotional apathy, personal shortcomings, disagreements over theological stances, and mental health struggles, among others. Each individual lost was someone I cherished; someone I had envisioned continuing to share life’s journey with. While these losses have been painful, they also serve as poignant reminders of the complexities and vulnerabilities inherent in fostering a spiritual community.

John 6:67 serves as a frequent focal point for my reflections: “After this, many of his disciples left. They no longer wanted to be associated with him. Then Jesus gave the Twelve their chance: ‘Do you also want to leave?'” (John 6:67, Message translation). Jesus was well-acquainted with loss long before His crucifixion. He endured the loss of relationships in his hometown, family, and a number of disciples. His message to His followers is clear: “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:33, KJV). This directive underscores the value of focusing on spiritual matters over worldly concerns. The narrower gate, less appealing perhaps, prompts us to consider greater sacrifices, including laying down our lives for others—a concept conspicuously missing from the broader path. C.S. Lewis captures this sentiment aptly, stating, ” “Put first things first and second things are thrown in. Put second things first and you lose both first and second things.”

The calling to pastoral ministry is unique and deeply fulfilling. One of the high points of my work is guiding individuals on their spiritual paths, as we collectively strive to emulate Jesus. In this role, I aim to serve as a beacon for the collective priesthood inherent in God’s Kingdom. However, it’s essential to grasp that this vocation comes with its own set of challenges that can be emotionally, spiritually, and physically draining. My hope is for followers of Christ—those who hold a sincere admiration for Jesus and a genuine respect for their spiritual mentors—to grasp the magnitude of loss that pastors frequently shoulder. This isn’t merely a job-related risk; it can have a profound impact on a pastor’s family life. Thus, a deep level of understanding and awareness from the congregation isn’t just beneficial—it’s absolutely critical.

To wrap things up, it’s crucial to consider how we can actively support those who are called to care for us—our pastors:
1. Financial Support: Money is often cited as the leading cause of marital strife, and it undoubtedly affects relationships in a church setting as well. Contributing to your church can alleviate a pastor’s concerns about providing for their family, which is empowering.
2. offer Prayers: Inquire how you can pray for your pastors and the broader community. Your spiritual support is invaluable.
3. Share a Meal: Invite your pastors over for dinner. Shift the focus from yourself and encourage them to share their journey, anxieties, and hopes. End the evening with a heartfelt prayer for them.
4. Align with Church Goals: Familiarize yourself with the mission and vision of your church, and actively engage in activities that further these objectives.
5. Express Gratitude: Regularly communicate how your pastors have positively influenced your relationship with Jesus. Your words can be a motivating force.
6. Consistent Attendance: Make it a point not to miss church services. Your presence contributes to the community and encourages your pastors.
7. Extend Love to Their Family: The well-being of a pastor’s family is often a reflection of their own peace of mind. Show love and support to their loved ones.
8. Constructive Feedback: Before offering any criticisms, start by highlighting three aspects of their work that you appreciate. Constructive dialogue can be more effective when it starts on a positive note.