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The problem with gaining weight.

The problem with gaining weight, 40 lbs since the summer of 2013, is there is an obvious prejudice about it. When someone is getting fatter we automatically think that they are lazy, that they have no pride, that they are slobs. I’ve had these thoughts engrained on me since I was a kid, ever since I started gaining weight because I had teachers that thought a good teaching tool was to withhold lunch from a kid who exhibited compulsive behavior when he didn’t get all of his homework done. A kid who would go home and eat quickly until the hunger pangs went away. A skinny kid can become fat pretty quick when he does that. Ever since then I see hunger as a sign that I’ve been bad, and eating as a way to get rid of those bad feelings There has been a lot of bad this last year, Corrie losing a job, health issues unrelated to my weight, the constant and persistent waiting for the opportunity to be parents. So needless to say I’ve done a lot of eating to get rid of those bad feelings, and gained the weight of a small child in the process. 40 lbs heavier Last night, I had a meltdown, a bad one, I weighed myself, hated what I saw, and grabbed the scale took it into the kitchen and threw it against the wall. The scale was made mostly of glass so it shattered like it was cheap. I shattered, like I was cheap, soon after. Eric took my picture at The Soup Supper on Saturday. Me with a bowl in my hand ready to gorge on more soup. I really am starting to hate having my picture taken, I don’t look good. There is no way to dress up my issues to make me look even remotely good. I realize that God doesn’t have a scale in heaven, he isn’t going to judge my life on whether or not I was able to maintain a healthy weight, but I also know that if I don’t get some sort of control over this thing I may be seeing him much sooner than I was planning on. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to fix this. I know basics of course, I’ve lost 80 lbs before and a part of me realizes I could do that again but it seems like such a huge hill to climb. I’ve cut in half my earlier accomplishment and I have really no desire to have to start over again. Especially if I’ll have this same stupid battle a few years later, fat people are always fat aren’t we? We live this stupid cycle of weight loss and relapse that makes me more dizzy than any vertigo attack ever could. I need your prayer, I know that I must sound like a silly selfish worm when there are riots happening as we speak and while our poor pastor Rod is suffering extreme debilitating pain in his neck and shoulder and everything else in this screwed up world that is going on but I still need your prayer. I don’t think it’s the weight loss so much that I need prayer for, as I’ve said I know the dance steps, I can do the dance, but the things going on internally, that’s what I am battling tooth and nail. I know God loves me but I have no earthly idea why, My meltdowns are coming more frequently lately as life continues to overwhelm me, there are so many things to do and my inclination is to want to hide and not do any of them. I don’t know how this ends but sometimes I am scared to find out.

4 Comments

  1. Hey Mike,
    Thank you for letting us into your struggle. Weight issues plague our culture, and there are so many differing messages out in the world about our value with regards to our appearance. You said that you “know God loves you, but you have no idea why.” I think you should start at that point. Why does God love you?

    Eric

  2. The only answer I have for you is a theological one. He loves me because he created me, he sent his done to die for me. He doesn’t love me for anything I’ve done, he has chosen to love me because he is a good father and I am his beloved son.
    I know that in my head but it’s not resonating in my heart. There is a disconnect there.

  3. So, when you say that you know something in your head but it is not resonating in your heart – what do you mean? Are you saying you don’t “feel like God loves you?” When you refer to your heart – what are you talking about?

  4. I love you friend 🙂 I love you for your wit, your music, your smile, your kindness, your tender heart, your passion. My heart hurts at the thought of you being manipulated and bruised as a little boy and the ways that it’s still hurting you. Thank you so much for sharing this – your transparency is a big part of your beauty. I wish I had more for you but the only pressing thought in my head is how loveable you are and I just want you to know how much beauty I see when I look at you.

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