When I took the job at Dun and Bradstreet, we all made what was a called a dream board. We were supposed to make reminders of the things that we wanted to be able to do with all of the money that we were supposed to make. I thought long and hard about the things I wanted to put on that board.
First there was some fun stuff, I would love to have a Cam Am Spyder that I could cruise around on, and there was a 2 week vacation Corrie and I wanted to take where we rented a convertible and drove up the entire length of the California coast, all the way into Oregon and Washington. Just fun things that would be cool but not all that important.
There were some more important things I listed too, giving more to The Village,, I would love to help my parents out maybe pay off their mortgage, Hiring a personal trainer to help me get into better shape, become stronger, those folks are expensive.
The biggest thing I had on that wish board, the one thing that Corrie and I have wished and longed and prayed for for so long was to finally adopt. To finally have a child of our own, it’s sad when everyone makes jokes about how easy it is for everyone in the church to have kids and yet…..
On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving when I got fired from that job. When I walked out carrying my box of stuff the only thing I could think about, the one desperate thought that kept circling and re circling my brain was the sentence I posted above.
We will never have children.
Every door that we have tried to enter, from the natural way most people have kids, to self insemination, to begging a friend to have a surrogate child for us, to trying to become foster parents, to offering to adopt the kids that we mentor, to dreaming about me making tons of sales to afford infant adoption has been closed on our faces. Every inroad that could possibly lead us to being parents has been cut off. We are not getting younger, it’s a dream that is just to impossible and too painful to hold onto anymore
So I am letting it go, reluctantly, I am burying that dream in the barren ground, I can’t keep looking for a way to make it work only for God or nature or the system to tell us it can’t
Last night, Rod’s sermon felt like bullets blasting holes in my soul. I actually had to leave the sanctuary because it was too difficult for me to hear. He said that when we ask God for things and he doesn’t give us the desires of our heart we get angry. That is true most of the time but now? Now it is not. I am not angry
I am defeated
I do not know what to do with all of this, I’ve cried and prayed, Corrie and I cried and prayed together last night when we got home. Eric says that I need to let go of this dream so much that I can tell God that I am totally ok with not being a dad. That’s the only way to heal.
Maybe someday I will
But not today, I am letting it go, I do let it go but I cannot muster authentic joy over this. Not yet
But someday God willing I will.