From: ginger
Date: Mon Aug  7 04:57:25 MST 2006
Subject: My Oath

Responses Boojeee: with you (8/7/06) Responses (sorted by date) Boojeee: with you (8/7/06) I am writing this for my own benefit.Please do not feel obligated to read it. Until recently, I never considered the idea that I had made an oath, a deal with Satan. Some years ago I found myself miserable and lacking any identity. Although a believer in Christ, I didn't see myself as precious or beautiful or worth anything. After realizing my misery and feeling rejection, I vowed to never be fat. Sounds silly when I say it. That oath began a war in which I willingly went to fight for the enemy. In making that oath, the rest of my life had to mesh with it as well. I abandoned God because I felt that in order to maintain this promise, He would have to go. Thus began my eleven year battle with bulimia. For me, this promise to myself not to ever be fat meant that I would never have to feel rejection, I could control my life and I would no longer be in the constant state of misery. With a little help of pop culture , mainly Hollywood, and my own warped sense I believed that lie. I didn't like where God had brought me and I didn't trust that He had my best interests in mind. Instead , life became completely out of control, I was rejected more than ever and misery led to deep darkness and constant thoughts of suicide. What I had intended for self preservation had led to almost total destruction. Even in the darkest moments of that existence, I clung with all I had to that promise. Thankfully it didn't end there. Instead, with help, I recognized that vow I had made and have been fighting with God to break that promise. I think that once we've made a deal with the devil, even when we go back and repent of it, the mindset sometimes remains. When I feel like life is overwhelming me, it's easy to let my mind wander, almost fantisizing, into that way of thinking again. It stays with us. Like I said it was an oath of self preservation. Isn't that our most basic human instinct? My life is dramatically changed today. I see my error of thinking, that somehow I can control God and where he leads me. I am not that powerful, obviously, but neither is Satan who tries to convince us he can. Somedays I feel completely freed from that vow, other days I feel overwhelmed and consider remaking it. It's a battle for my life. The life that God has claimed and the enemy wants. After all, isn't that Satan's entire purpose. What a miserable existence he has! Praise be to God who has the power and authority to break the chains of the promises we make with the enemy. I never thought I would write these words. Freedom is beautiful!

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From: Boojeee
Date: Mon Aug  7 10:26:45 MST 2006
Subject: with you