Villagersonline : blogs : ginger : Mourning has broken

From: ginger
Date: Wed Sep  6 17:11:58 MST 2006
Subject: Mourning has broken

Responses
Ron: No Subject (9/6/06)
Ron: Thank you for your words (9/6/06)
adriennelynne: No Subject (9/6/06)
andrea: from one aching mother's heart to another.... (9/7/06)
Boojeee: thanks (9/7/06)

clrclady: Praying (9/8/06)

Karen: Your blog wasn't incoherent (9/8/06)

Responses (sorted by date)
Karen: Your blog wasn't incoherent (9/8/06)
clrclady: Praying (9/8/06)
Boojeee: thanks (9/7/06)
andrea: from one aching mother's heart to another.... (9/7/06)
adriennelynne: No Subject (9/6/06)
Ron: Thank you for your words (9/6/06)
Ron: No Subject (9/6/06)

Mourning has broken....my heart. Today marks the two year anniversary of our son's death. Colin was only two weeks old when he left us. He was born prematurely. He spent some time in NICU but came home with us at 10 days old. He died in the early morning and it was ruled as SIDS.
Grief is a very strange emotion. It is very physial, headaches, nausea, achiness. It is also extremely bi-polar in the sense that one minute you can be smiling and the next you're crying your eyes out.
I am feeling the grief so acutely this time around mostly because I'm not trying to escape it. Instead I'm stewing in it. I feel very responsible for Colin's death for so many reasons. The morning he died, he was sleeping next to me and I may or may not have rolled over onto him. The drs can't really tell one way or another. I have to live with the possibility that I may have accidently smothered my beautiful son. Just saying it makes me feel like throwing up. The other reason I feel so responsible is because had Colin not died, I would not have wanted another child. When I became pregnant with Elliot my family intervened b/c I was extremely unhealthy (eating disorder) and through the help of my family and John Cepin I am finally healthy after 11 years.
Did Colin make the ultimate sacrifice for me? I know Christ did but in looking at the past two years of my life it seems that Colin did as well. After he died, I hit bottom. Actually the bottom fell out and I kept falling into an abyss. I wanted to be in heaven just to be near the son I had lost. I have so many questions and unexplained emotions. Sometimes it's like riding the tea cups at Disneyland.
I am sorry if this blog is incoherent, but I need to unload.
Today is bittersweet. I miss Colin so much but at the same time I am healthy and I have Elliot(who in no way replaces him). My emotions are everywhere, my husband is at work so I will cry myself to sleep tonight by myself. My heart hurts pleaswe pray for me. Thank you.

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From: Ron
Date: Wed Sep  6 17:37:39 MST 2006
Subject:

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From: Ron
Date: Wed Sep  6 18:20:29 MST 2006
Subject: Thank you for your words

Dear Ginger,
I just wanted to thank you for what you wrote. I wish that there were some "magical mysterious" words that could ease your pain, and cure your wounds, but they are just not there. I do know that guilt is something that is not worth the effort we give to "it," and comes not from God, but the "evil one." I am an Expert on Guilt. I have lived in a world filled and shaped by guilt. I would have ran of the office of the Mayor of Guilt, except that I felt too guilty to run.
I often wonder why God permitted satan to use guilt on us human beings, as it seams so cruel and so very effective. But stoping the guilt is the real issue, and the real problem. And this is where the expertise ends and the novice begins.
"Is God's Love suffient?" Words I have heard hundreds of times from Eric and Rod. From what you worte, you have no responsiblity to be guilty of anything. You gave Colin your Love and Adoration, every minute of his life. And you continue to do so, for the rest of your life. This is what being a parent is all about, and you are a good parent. You did all the you could do for Collin, by giving him your Love. Your Love for Collin was and is suffient. God's Love for you is also suffient.
I will pray for you.
Ron

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From: adriennelynne
Date: Wed Sep  6 19:59:51 MST 2006
Subject:

Loving you right now. Praying for you too.
-Adrienne

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From: andrea
Date: Thu Sep  7 09:17:50 MST 2006
Subject: from one aching mother's heart to another....

I pass you my love through this blog. With the journey of infertility and possible miscarriage, what you described in your blog is very similar to the pain that we/I still travel through. So, I sit with you and would be honored to cry with you if you should want that. Here are my arms; they are what I have to offer.
love, Andrea

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From: Boojeee
Date: Thu Sep  7 09:48:43 MST 2006
Subject: thanks

Thanks for inviting us into your grief. I'm praying for you and crying with you.

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From: clrclady
Date: Fri Sep  8 11:08:45 MST 2006
Subject: Praying

I am praying for you as well. Thanks for sharing.

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From: Karen
Date: Fri Sep  8 14:55:09 MST 2006
Subject: Your blog wasn't incoherent

Our griefs rise up singing:
an unrehearsed choir, incoherent
as a hundred early adolescent voices
yammering, clamoring together,
with all the force of a high speed train
rushing through an underground tunnel,
all the debris slammed up and back:
a love note accidentally dropped
a candy wrapper tossed behind,
valuables and trash captured and scattered
together in the wake of a hot diesel wind,
howling, then suddenly lost
in the dark.
KEB
2:45 pm, Friday the 8th

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