From: clrclady
Date: Sat Jan 28 18:09:31 EST 2012
Subject: A week of change

I have been wrestling with God a lot this week. Life is shifting; life is changing. I can faintly see the next cliff that God wants me to step off of in the horizon; and after stepping off so many of them in the past, one would think it gets easier, but it is just as terrifying. He has hedged me in by so many things these last several years, and although I am still hedged in by Him; He is asking me to leap. He has been asking me to be John the Baptist and just proclaim truth everyone. To let go of my gods of getting my identity out of pleasing people, out of being the false Savior, out of making people happy, and out of being the martyr. He is asking me to proclaim, to write, to reveal what I have seen and truth that I have found in Him without thinking about how people will respond to me. I want to reject this and say, “Don’t you remember that John the Baptist suffered in prison the end of his life and was beheaded!!!” The lies from my mom, “No one will love you; all you have is us.” The lies from the psychiatrist in the psych hospital, “She is unhelpable,” to crazy, to out of it, to disturbed to amount to anything. I was written off, and then God miraculously pulled me out of the pit and put me in this nice comfy, safe, surrogate family. I have grown up here; I have matured; I have found myself; I have found the true Savior. I have safely ventured out to proclaim and then retreated back behind the hedge of safety in these walls. What if He is not out their when I spread my wings and just fly solo without retreating when I am scared? What if He truly is just like my earthly father who set me up with goodness to be destroyed by his wickedness? What if the lies are not really lies and the truth is really the lie? What if I am completely insane as the “good” psychiatrist said and this is all an illusion I have created? I want to have a tantrum and revert back to the little girl on God’s lap saying, “No, No, No, I won’t do that and You can’t make me. I want to take control and be my own god to make sure I will not get hurt, will not suffer, will not risk. I pray my curiosity will get the best of my sinfulness and I will leap just to experience the adventure that God wants to put me on.

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