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Responses (sorted by date)
MaryKay: The Search (11/11/05)
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I was going throught some old files and I run across a letter I wrote (but never sent), back in February 2003. It brought tear to my eyes, I can feel the pain and hopelessness of my heart. It seems to be part of the seeking unfulfilled heart that brought me to find God. The beggining of my transformation and the yearning of my heart for peace and the things that God created us for. It was also interesting to see some of the same issues that I am still strugling with, after almost 3 years.
'Inside and outside' is a letter I wrote to some of the girls I met in jail when I spent a weekend there.
Hey chicas, I am at work now. I already miss that place, I can't help to think about what are you guys doing at every minute. I kindda wish I could of stay there. Free of all real life concerns and preocupations. Such as shallow preocupations. A place where eveyone is equal, outside in this world it seems that we are all in a competition for something. Don't know what, but everything is so complicated. It kindda takes the ability to enjoy the simple beauties of life. I am not saying that staying inside is a good thing. But it certantainly allows a person to be simple and satisfied. Out here is ugly, lots of competition, lots of ugly feelings to deal with. I don't feel so good myself. I feel that life is too complicated to enjoy it. Always having something to do, something to achieve, never satisfied, always looking for something, never knowing what. Always looking for the wrong thing. Looking for acceptance, and never getting it. Always being dissapointed or dissapointing someone. Always wishing for what others have, never enjoying what we have now. I was happier when I was there, than out here. I don't know how that is posible, but it is.
What exactly is the purpose of this race, where are we trying to go? What is the main reason or core that drives us into developing more technology. Why do things need to be faster and better. Have we not reached the balance point where continuing only means deteriorating our quality of life instead of enhancing it? What eactly is technology trying to achieve, and how is technology helping human beings attain a worhtwhile existance. What do faster email mean? Does it mean that it now takes little to no effort for children to connect with their mothers in Mothers day?
Life is becoming more and more complicated. We don't know what makes us happy enymore, cause there is always something better than that. How are we teaching our children what is enough to be happy, when they themselves are trying ot keep up in a race to have better and newer toys. Big corporations take advantage of this basic human instict and keep developing better things to keep reeling us along.
The point is, that i want to be in there instead of out here. I was much happier there than here. Too many choices always leaves me dissatisfied and unfulfilled. Give or take a few more liberties, I think living inside could be a perfectly satisfying happy place to be. No complicated lifes, no stressed added cause you have a few extra pounds, or not having better clothes to wear. Everyone physically worth the same, differentiated only by their pureness and kindness of their soul.
Inside no one has a real reason to be mean or cruel. There is nothing to fight for or about. The little that is had is shared, the difference between the haves and the have more is not that big. Not big enough to awaken deep feeling of jeolosy and so in the end everyone is equal. No one wishing to have more than enough to feel happy, cause they would know that that would break the balance of a more than satisfying world. No opportunities to damge our bodies or souls with addictions. Mika and Miky enjoy the simplicity of life while you can, once your come back here, it will all be harder to understand, always falling behind, always running, never getting there. Running faster and better and only gettting more tired. |
