Villagersonline : blogs : adriennelynne : lonely

From: adriennelynne
Date: Tue Jun  3 17:06:40 EDT 2008
Subject: lonely

Responses
andrea: I recognize those feelings... (6/3/08)

adriennelynne: thanks (6/4/08)

Responses (sorted by date)
adriennelynne: thanks (6/4/08)
andrea: I recognize those feelings... (6/3/08)

As you know, David left for Haiti on Sunday. He will be there until the 17th. It's the longest we've been apart. He posted on his blog last night so you can get an idea of what he's experiencing. We were able to email the last couple days because he was in Port Au Prince and he had an internet connection (I cannot thank his dad enough for the Blackberry...as I assume that is how he has been emailing me). We aren't sure what kind of connection he'll have in Dessalines, which is where he'll be for the duration of his trip.
Originally we planned the trip for the two of us... him doing what he's doing at the hospital and I would work at an orphanage. When we realized we were pregnant it was decided best for me to stay home. This is obvious for so many reasons... Haiti isn't very safe, there are lots of diseases, and I can't take malaria pills. I wanted him to go on this trip so badly and I was so excited for this opportunity...but now that he's gone I am really struggling.
I think this is based on so many things. First and foremost, I miss him. We spend everyday together...he's my best friend. So his absence leaves an abyss in my heart. The other reasons I think call for confession and I ask that you'll pray for me.
I have struggled with fear for a long time...when David came to Michigan and I was home with Halie I was terrified, and many of you prayed for me and I made it...and it felt so liberating. Fear has transformed from the fear of something happening to me to the fear of something happening to him. It is paralyzing fear. I imagine every possible bad thing that could happen to him in my head and then I come up with a "solution" for each scenario. And each time my eyes get filled with tears and I get all upset about the possibilities. I keep thinking he's not coming home and then I start all of my options all over again. I hate that I do this and I have been catching myself and choosing to believe in God's will for our lives...but it is still causing me a great amount of unnecessary pain. I confess this to you because I know you will pray for me. And each confession of sin is freeing and begins to lead me away from continuing to sin the same way.
The other thing I am really struggling with is tough to admit. You know I have wanted a baby more than anything. But there is a part of me that resents being pregnant because it would mean being with David in Haiti. It's funny because being pregnant was "all I ever wanted"... until it meant that I would miss out on traveling (one of my greatest loves) and the absence of my husband. I think I am experiencing one of the first sacrifices of parenting... missing out on something that I love to offer something even greater to my baby. (So yeah, so far sacrifice hurts a lot) .
And then there's the whole pregnancy hormone piece that I can't explain. I am a crazy person. :) So be glad you don't have to deal with me!
I do have a friend coming in on Saturday and she'll be here until the 17th. We taught at ALL elementary together. So once she arrives I am hoping the time will go faster. But these next few days...now that my mom left this morning...are going to be pretty tough. I don't really work much and my good friend is out of town this week. So I got some books from the library and I am doing a lot of inner work, but it sucks.
So thanks for your prayers for David. He was able to raise a lot of money to give to the church. And keep me in mind. I miss you all dearly and I truly wish I could be in Tucson. :)
PS The baby is doing great. I haven't had any issues so far. And baby is moving around like crazy...it's an amazing feeling. That is the greatest thing about being sad when all the sudden I feel the little fist jabbing out my abdomen...or a kick pounding my bladder...or even the little head nestled up in my side. So don't worry, I want and love my baby...the problem is I want it all!

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From: andrea
Date: Tue Jun  3 18:51:02 EDT 2008
Subject: I recognize those feelings...

Praying for you on the fear. I recognize that same game (of Satan) used on me, too....
I also recognize the wanting the best of every world. There are times I think the same of Ellie....what I could do if I didn't have a toddler getting into everything all day long ;) Hmmmmm...better not to think about it too long, but instead to turn it into our thankfulness for what we have been given. All gifts come with a loss of something else. And that is ok...ok to give some time to mourn the grief of that loss. I walk with you on this journey my friend. By the way, did you really think we wouldn't believe you really want your baby even though you want something else too?
Loving you from afar...

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From: adriennelynne
Date: Wed Jun  4 17:50:22 EDT 2008
Subject: thanks

Andrea (and non responders!)
Thanks for thinking and praying for me. Along with 1Peter I have been reading this book called, The Seeking Heart...I really like it. But I came across this and it helped me:
Solitude is the way in which we grow into the realization that where are most alone we are most loved by God.
It is a quality of heart, an inner quality that helps us to accept our aloneness lovingly, as a gift from God. Thus, our embrace of aloneness is at the same time the cry for intimacy. The deeper the one, the profounder the other. This embrace has nothing to do with an unhealthy self-preoccupation. It is simply recognizing one's uniqueness and differentness, sculpted and understood by God. And there is no greater grace than the blessing of acceptance in the face of one's differentness and loneness.
So this, along with all kinds of other things, has been helping me.
Also repeating over and over, David is alive and well and he is doing God's work in Haiti....helps when I start imagining...

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