|
Online there is a social program called Formspring. It allows people to follow other people and ask them questions. You can stipulate what types of questions that you wish to answer or you can allow yourself to be open to anything. You can even allow people to ask you questions anonymously. I've tried this program out twice, and both times I've received the same result. Instead of people asking questions about what is going on in my life, my views on certain subjects, my 'friends' attack me.
It makes me wonder why, I wonder why they feel the need to tear me, or anyone else down. I also wonder why they even pretend to be my friend in the first place. It also makes me feel sorry for them, it seems the only pleasure they get at all is by tearing into other people. What an empty shallow life that must be.
It's also interesting to note that the things which they attack are the same whispers I hear in my own head when I battle my depression and anxiety. Echos of my deepest darkest fears and sadness.
I was called lazy because I can't give Corrie children, I was asked why I can't just give my wife what she wants, I was told I wasn't a very good lyricist and only a decent singer and that it was time to pursue a new passion. I was told I was a good person for Corrie and that she should leave me. I was even told that I am only nice to people when it benefits me.
The saddest part about all of these attacks on my character? There is at the very least a strand of truth in every single one of them. It's interesting that, while people tell me that I am entirely too hard on myself the first thing that people do when I give them a chance to engage me and to pick my brain, is pick the parts of my brain that I battle seemingly every single waking moment of my life. They contribute to the noise, the roar of negative thoughts and feelings that I fight off daily. If I express fatigue or or the feeling of being beat down or God forbid if I last out against it than I'm accused of being overly dramatic and merely seeking attention.
When Rod expressed how tired he was from his anxiety I nearly wept, I'm tired too. I am tired and I need lasting peace and lasting rest which only God can provide. Why is it when I need him the most he always seems the farthest away? I fill my life with distraction so that I don't have to be left alone with the truth of my situation.
Or as the band Shinedown puts it in lyrical form
"The more the light shines through me, I pretend to close my eyes. The more the dark consumes me I pretend I'm burning bright"
That's me
I pretend that people are not watching and judging me as I live, I pretend to be a happy go lucky goofball even when my heart and soul are ravaged with depression.
I live in the tension
The tension of knowing that I am a new creation indwelling a battered and broken body
The tension that God has promised me Canaan but here I am still in Egypt
The tension of knowing I am a member of a royal priesthood whose sinful nature betrays me every day.
I hate this
I hate this tension and I wish it would be over, I wish I could be free from it and from my depression.
Yet I thank God for it.
I thank God for all of it because I know that it's only in the midst of this tension that I can see Jesus.
Thank you for reading. | 
