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Hi Trizia! Thanks for posting, and I hear ya. I've heard the "flies on the screen" analogy before: the ones inside want out, the ones outside want in.
I think what Cheryl is talking about is not whether singleness or matrimony is better, per se, but more how to deal with feeling like a cultural freak when you're past a certain age and still unattached... (a word I've used more than once to describe myself, usually just a dark-humored reflection of how this screwed-up world really does see me--has anyone heard about that new comedy coming out concerning, um, protracted singleness?---hmmm) Then the cultural awkwardness opens you up to the Accuser: why have *I* been left on the shelf? Am I an abysmal failure? Am I a hideous cow? What have I done to deserve this? Now, that would be unhealthy self-contempt, yes? (Can I get an "amen" to that?)
Of course, if you're in a marriage, you might wrestle--and you almost certainly have wrestled--with these same types of accusations from you-know-who, just in a different context. And with the added complexity of another person with their own freewill.
I think what Cheryl's talking about in her original post--let me know if I'm wrong, clrclady--is a poorly defined American Christian cultural context for being single *and unattached*, past a certain age (when is that magic number? I dunno, maybe as low as 25, although I wince to say that low...definitely for women, it kicks in around 30) Here's an example of the poorly defined context. Say you're struggling within a marriage relationship, it's pretty normal (so normal it's a cliche) to seek marital counseling with a pastor or therapist. Since "fix it or forget about it" --in the sense of quick divorce--is not accepted within evangelical culture.
But if you're struggling with your singleness/sexuality within a singleness context, what is the "Christian" thing to do? Is there anyone in Tucson who specializes in Christian *singleness* counseling? ;-) Usually the Christian route is either "fix it" (i.e., work harder to find a significant other--and are you really trying hard enough to do that?--"striving" was Cheryl's word) but there's also "forget about it" (bury that longing in whatever way you so choose) and the ever popular "pray about it" --been there, heard that too! So anyway my feeling is that a lot of people think marriage struggles are to be dealt with/worked through directly, and hopefully with help from others, while singleness struggles are to be waited out patiently in prayer, or alternatively "solved" by finding a mate. (Of course there are probably many who think even marriage struggles are to be silently "waited out" or magically "solved" from something coming from the outside... That's obviously baloney, too!) I'd like a new paradigm for everyone, in which we all support each other in the happy and the sad. In the agonies and the ecstasies of this life, in Heaven's Besieged Annex, AKA Earth.
Another point: what do you do if you're within a church (not the Village) that restricts singles' participation in leadership activities? Oh, there's not a written rule or anything, but when you look around, you see that it's marrieds doing this, that, and the other thing. And the singles are in predictable places: working with the junior high/high school/maybe college ministries (but usually working in tandem with marrieds). For example, those of you w/American evangelical backgrounds, how many churches have you been in with single pastors/elders?
Something I heard Cheryl saying was along the lines of the feeling (pardon the expression), damned if I do and damned if I don't. Like, if I'm becoming a joy-filled, truly healthy single woman, (1) how can I still feel that painful longing--is it even OK to allow myself that pain when it comes? (answer is "yes," but the working out of the yes is the hard part) and (2) if a guy looking in on my life from the outside sees that I'm content, will he assume I'm not interested or that he doesn't have much to offer me since I'm already pretty "happy" (or somethin' like that). How "full" can my life become before I reach that point? How much will I then have to give up to be married? Is my life "full," is it characterized by life and true freedom, or is it just full of business to distract me from heartache? (This is where having good friends to tell you the TRUTH comes in.) Bottom line: it's all ambiguous and pretty darn bittersweet to me. |
