Villagersonline : blogs : Joel : Pennsylvania Blues

From: Joel
Date: Mon Mar 29 14:46:38 MST 2004
Subject: Pennsylvania Blues

Responses
Karen: Bit o' feedback (7/2/04)

Responses (sorted by date)
Karen: Bit o' feedback (7/2/04)

Been to Pennsylvania
followed an Amish cart to the gas station
passed out in the pub
lost in the old world out here
all silent tours none of my kind
Keep runnin' got to find
that one small meeting of minds
when you've fallen out of time
old Tom couldn't visit
sit up late in the kitchen
an' talk 'bout love
Goin' to blow a hole in that stop sign
"the size of a kickdrum"
Seen a war of spiral monsters
that sucked in our dynamite
an' sent chimpanzee bucket boats
floatin' out to the barbedwire shore
We drown 'em all and went for help
in the stick homes of our allies
Joel

Edit this blog
Write a response Email the author

From: Karen
Date: Fri Jul  2 14:03:14 MST 2004
Subject: Bit o' feedback

I like the irony of "followed an Amish cart to a gas station" line, and I'm struck by the image of "chimpanzee bucket boats." Hmmm..feeling some ambivalence about our military exploits? I enjoy your frequent use of strong, rhythmic words. I'd love to see you use more rhythm patterns, a bit of meter, but don't make it too flowing, too perfect, I don't think it would be "you" ;-)
Now that it's geographically possible, why don't you come to a writer's group sometime & get some IRL feedback? You could throw your manuscript in w/the "serious" writers on Thursday the 8th.

Edit this response
Write a response Email the author

Write a blog