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respYUZPtO

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Blanca, I really liked your many blank responses. They remind me of how my heart feels when someone trys to tell me that "such and such" is the point. My mind recognizes the truth in various versions of saying "God is the point" but my heart just sighs. Being a person who struggles with meaninglessness, I don't have a good stock of ideas to offer because I have rejected too many of them as, well, meaningless. I can only offer a part of my story with God that seemed to ease some of my pointlessness feelings. So I start with a long history of not being interested in symbolic events: birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, Thanksgiving, Christmas, baptism, communion, etc. One evening at church I was once more pondering the bread and the juice with a sigh. I wanted to cry because yet again, people around me seemed to be having intimate experiences with God as they took on postures of repentence and reverence in preparation for communion. I felt bitter. References were made in the sermon about how we are the precious bride of Christ and we should feel so grateful about that, blah, blah, blah. Woop-de-doo. I'm the bride of Christ but I don't get any chance to WANT to be that bride (besides the obvious problem of deserving to go to the dungeon with the dragon if I don't become the bride). I guess I'm supposed to sit here and try to think about what a bad person I am so I can be grateful that I get to be a bride. Or maybe I'm supposed to think about how magnificent the groom is so I can be grateful to be his bride? It seems like a one-sided romance where I do all the work. He shrouds himself in mystery and I get to try to convince myself that he loves me and find all the reasons to love him to boot. How come he doesn't bring some of his own reasons himself? If he's such an eligible bachelor how come he's not very good at catching my interest? At that point I distinctly heard in my mind "I will woo you" (emphasis in the I and you). My thoughts scrambled around basically saying "what? can you be more specific?" But I just got a repeat of the first statement. So after I realised that was all that was going to be said I started thinking about what that meant to me. I realised that Jesus was freeing me from trying to reach to the heights of love for him before he has even wooed me there. So I gave up trying to love Jesus. I remain faithful by not turning to other gods - but I reserve my praise and adoration for when I'm really convinced. That seems to be far less often than for other people. But its far more meaningful to me than anything else I've ever done. So the reason this has eased my pointlessness feelings is that I don't try so hard to find meaning anymore. And I try really hard not to be pursuaded to try "purposes" that are meaningful for other people. Its rather like yo-yo dieting in my case. I really throw myself into their vision for a while and I do find meaning and purpose and I feel so fulfilled! But then I can't keep it up and the meaninglessness comes back even stronger than before. In recent years I have gone through a number of variations of shedding "purposes" that aren't convincing to me. My creator has become more interesting to me. I'm still not interested in communion. Oh well. At least I'm interested in what might happen next. EmilyMc.

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