I’ve never witnessed a physical healing, I’ve seen lots of spiritual healing though. I’ve never seen a lame person walk, never seen a blind person see again, it makes me wonder if this type of healing takes place in this day and age. I don’t think that what I’ve experienced over the last couple of years would count as a physical healing but too many things have come together for me to simply dismiss it as simple coincidence. I like to think that God is involved, somehow putting ordcer to the chaos that is my battle with anxiety and my life.
I’ve had Generalized Anxiety Disorder for nearly 10 years, I spent a small time taking medication for it but got off when I lost my insurance and did my best to manage without drugs. Every year I’d get hit with vertigo symptoms, they’d last for a few months and then they’d go away. We never could tell if it was an allergy issue, an inner ear issue or just plain old anxiety. 2 years ago it started getting so bad that I could no longer walk for fitness, which was the primary way I was getting exercise. I could only go for about 5 or 10 min at a very slow pace and that wasn’t enough to keep me fit. Went to Doctors, couldn’t figure out the issues but we also noticed that my panic attacks were getting worse, my blood pressure was getting worse and we figured, with my doctors help, that it was all stress and anxiety related and we needed to get me on medication that would bring my anxiety levels down to manageable levels. A year ago January I started taking pills. My panic attacks and daily dizziness has gone away.
Over time I’ve been working on trying to get my fitness level back up to where it was. I would try walking but man I just would psyche myself out about it. I’d walk slow thinking at any minute I could have a dizzy spell. That’s when I started getting the idea of try to work out with a trike instead of walking. I had a trike before but it had been stolen so I had some friends and family help me afford a new single speed trike. Oh man what a joy it was to ride that thing. I’d go for 2 miles, then 3, and all of a sudden I was doing 5 and 6 miles at a time without any issues. I could not believe it. God was healing me through these bike rides. but I wanted to go on longer rides, tougher terrain and I knew a single speed trike would be hard to do that on. SO we found an amazing trike that was being sold used for a deeply discounted price. That was just a few weeks ago and yesterday I rode that trike for 10 miles over 2 rides. The first ride of the day was 8 and then I did another 2 riding back and forth to church.
Parts of me wishes that this story, as awesome as it is, was even better. I wish I could say that I no longer have to take medication, I have no anxiety and I am in great shape and losing weight steadily. I cannot say any of those things, that is not the route that God has chosen for me. I am on medication and over the course of the last year he has given me things that I could never dream of. He has shown me a support circle that I never believed I had, he has given me joy in daily bike rides and he has reminded me that at the end of the day its not how much I weigh nor is it how fast I can go. In the end it’s enjoying the place that God has me in. It’s learning how to rest in the goodness of God, wherever that is. A skeptic would look at this and claim that I haven’t been healed at all but I know better, I see the puzzle pieces, the fingerprints of God, where everything has fallen into place at just the right time and I know that God is all over this. He has healed me, he has healed my soul. He has given me a life free from the excruciating panic that has locked me inside of my own head for so long. I am thankful for his presence in my life. I cannot wait to see what he has in store next but for now I am content to rest in this place, enjoy my bike, my family and friends, and the goodness that is God’s creation.
If that’s not healing then I don’t know what is.