Stay at Home Order
For a moment I felt relief. The world was going to stop and I didn’t have to feel the fear of missing out. Something huge was happening to get me off the hook. But it hasn’t turned out that way. There’s still a million ways to feel the deficit. To feel the “shoulds”, the missing out. I should be helping. I should be learning something. I should be connecting. I should be creating.
Should, should, should. You are missing out. Life is somewhere else, or even if it isn’t, you’re getting it wrong. Always getting it wrong. It’s your fault. The fact is, I am blessed and there is no way around it. I can’t undo the sad things and I can’t account for my privilege. I don’t want to be happy when there is so much that is sad.
When I feel like this, I pray and write what guidance I “hear”. Read it through a correct Biblical filter. It brought me a peace that couldn’t be afforded by an external permission for rest.
Meg, your “trying” does mater. Each time you reach out. Each time you connect with those there in your home. Each time you go walking in praise. Each beautiful thing you make. Each time you delight in something good. Each time you write and think and choose to order your thoughts. Each step you make toward health. Each thing you manage (as best you can). Each day you live in faithfulness. Each moment you live through. Each time you try and risk and hope and live and even fail. It all maters. I love you. You are doing your job. I see you. I place a seal on your life and call it right and good. As far as the East is from the West, so far have I removed your transgressions from you. Trust me. I mean this all for good.