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Right below the surface

I’ve been noticing lately a low level anger that seems right below the surface of my skin. Anger has been an issue before but this time it seems different, usually something sets me off and I have what I would call a meltdown. I burst, I yell, I curse, I cry and then, as quickly as it came it’s gone. Nowadays, though I am still prone to meltdowns, There seems to be a lurking, unsettling anger that follows me everywhere I go. I feel as if I am collecting things that upset me, and I am pretty sure that much of it revolves around my health that’s not quite right but no one knows what exactly is going on.

10 years ago I had my first vertigo attack, it was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. TO be laying on my bed and yet feel as if the room is spinning, I cannot begin to explain the fear, the disorientation,  the disconnectedness. Since then I’ve had months, sometimes years without vertigo but for the last 2 years my attacks seems to come more frequently,. Along with a nagging nearly constant fog or haze. When that’s around it takes all of my focus and concentration to get through a workday. All I really want to do is lay around on the couch and do whatever requires no thought. I left my band because of this, I’ve let my workout habits slip because of this, there is something drastically wrong with my balance system and after several diagnostic tests we are still unsure as to what exactly is happening. If my anger is coming from anywhere it’s there.

Recently, after the weather got cooler, I’ve had a string of really goo days, I was back to walking a mile at a time, I was able to get through workdays without issue and then Monday of this week I got hit with more vertigo and since then that fog has returned and I can’t shake it off. I don’t have a lot of patience to begin with but when I am operating at a disadvantage I get much worse in this department. I get testy, Irritated, angry. Sadly our new dog seems to get the brunt of all of this, because of feeling like crap I don’t feel I have the time or the energy to properly train her, so when she acts up I get upset. I probably get more upset at myself for not training her well than I do at her but that’s of course not how the anger presents itself. Yelling at a dog for being a dog is not good therapy for anyone.

God please help my anger, if it’s not in your will to take away my mystery illness than please help me deal with it better. Allow me to be a better husband, a better worker, a better pet owner. Help me to be patient, to learn to rest in your arms and to relinquish control. Help me get rid of the need to feel whole in order to see you as good. If this illness has done nothing else it has helped me to see a clearer picture of my sin, and it is repulsive to me. Please put the old man to death so that I can live fully as your son.

2 Comments

  1. I feel your pain on this one. Have you had a spinal tap yet?

    • No Spinal scheduled. My ENT does not think it is MS or a tumor or anything. I have balance testing coming up though.

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