life is messy. communication is messy. relationships are messy. how then can we expect God’s plan for us to be so cut and dry? believe me I want the cut and dry. I want the writing on the wall. I want the specific plan stamped by the divine approval stamp. but instead I get mixed feelings, mixed messages, all mixed up with fear and doubt. so what propels me forward? what makes me keep going onward ho? what makes me certain in the face of all that mess?
peace that overwhelms my soul.
I looked for the deep seated fear. the unhinging feeling of my heart disconnecting from my mind and my body just propelling forward in unfettered motion. I looked for that ick feeling of ‘don’t go there.’ I looked for the rise of caution and the pull of the Holy Spirit’s check. I even sort of wanted it to be there so I wouldn’t have to face my chosen choice with so many unknowns and illogical outcomes. believe me I looked. instead I got peace. I felt rest. I know with every fiber the sacrifice I make and it still feels right. it feels that it is good. it feels in line with my kingdom mission. when you live for the kingdom of heaven you don’t always get to make the culturally, socially, or financially, wisest choice. I like to make wise choices. I like the positive cultural, social, and financial outcomes. I like to follow the rules and do things that make my life better. I like it so much, God asked me to lay it down. to let it go. to sacrifice it on the alter of my ego and burn them both to the ground. so sometimes I feel like I must look like a crazy person to other people. a fool. a dreamer with my head in the clouds. trust me I’m not. I’m a soldier. I take orders. I execute even (and especially) when I don’t know why. even still I’m not hardened against my Commander. letting rage or obligation urge me forward. no I doubt, I’m feel confused, I push back against my Commander and everyday he invites me to continue to follow the plan. continue to follow His peace. then He fills my head and mouth with His truth which gives me the strength to carry on.
so I pack up my life. shed all but the bare necessities. help my children let go of all but the most precious of their things. say goodbye to all my amazing friends and family. unknit myself from my beautiful community. prepare to disrupt my carefully orchestrated sources of cash flow. enjoy all my favorite spots one last time. and go.
I don’t get to by like Noah with his specific commands, his specs of how and when and what material to use on his boat. his signals of the sequence of events and specific instructions of what to do in the midst of it all. no I get to be like Abraham with his single command, “Pick up your tent and go to the land I will show you.” I mean I actually have a destination so really I’m in a bit of a better place than him. I’m going to get in my car and drive in a particular direction that I know right now even as I write this. Abraham didn’t even get that much, but he obeyed anyway. people must’ve really thought he was crazy but he didn’t care, he did what God told him to do. and so am I. instead of trying to bang my head against the wall and understand why I’m supposed to obey or what is going to happen next or how it will all work out. I’m going to pick up my life and go. It’s so hard and incomprehensible to all my better judgment that I can’t imagine what it must look like to all my people who love me. it reminds me of the story my dad told at my wedding
“when Danielle was 5 years old, I was on the roof reapplying the white coat. she looked up at me from the ground and said ‘papa, are you painting the sky?’ this is a classic example of how Danielle always believes that the impossible actually really can happen. that there isn’t anything she can’t do if she puts her mind to it.”
the faith that I have that everything will happen according to HIS plan is unshakable. succeed or fail. make money or don’t. see love transform or not. go out and come right back again. this exodus is part of the journey. of that I am sure.
so as always I’m praying for wisdom. I’m praying for humility. I’m praying for soft hearts. I’m praying for the courage to lay down my wants, my priorities, my fears in order to serve HIS will and HIS purpose. I have to trust if he is leading me over a hill that he has to know there is water on the other side. I’m trying hard not to envision what that looks like but know that he will help me see it when the time is right. pray for me too if you will. and as always I will keep searching the horizon of my life for peace and follow that trail in any direction it goes.