Last night, as Rod spoke of healing, ultimate and total healing as he himself is facing down neck surgery to fuse another portion of his spine it got me thinking of my own struggles and my own desire for healing.
I’ve made my battles with anxiety fairly well known, it has been ongoing since before I started coming to The Village. The one thing that I long for, more than anything else is for my anxiety disorder to be totally gone so that I can live without it. I’ve asked for God to do it, to remove it from my life but like Paul before me the answer I’ve received has left me as is. More than anything I would love to say that Jesus is enough, have that statement be a battle cry for me as I face all that this life has for me. TO not be crippled with unexplained bouts of dizziness, to not feel more and more like an agoraphobic, To not sit and worry over every little ache and pain, wondering if something is going to finally finish me. Like Rod I desire to be with Jesus but also like Rod I enjoy this life and would like to keep on enjoying it for a while. Sometimes, in these moments, Jesus doesn’t feel like enough. Sometimes, in the moments, I don’t feel healed.
It is a good thing that my healing isn’t based on how I feel, physically or emotionally.
A week from today I will be starting a leave of absence from my job for the sole purpose of getting myself back on a drug that will regulate 2 chemicals in my brain, serotonin and norepinephrine. It is a drug I’ve been on before and for al most a year it worked pretty good at regulating my anxiety. I did not have a single anxiety attack all of the time that I was on it. The side effects are minimal and they beat living with the stress and anxiety that I currently deal with. There is a good chance that I may have to resign myself to being on this drug or a similar drug for the rest of my life. If that is true does that mean that Jesus isn’t enough for me?
I don’t believe so and here’s why.
In the eternal state of things, because of Jesus, I am already healed. My sin is atoned for, my brokenness dealt with, I am whole and complete and as I should be. But that isn’t the reality that we are living in. We still dwell in the world which is dying and we are dying with it. Our bodies and minds are subject to the laws of decay that rule over life with an iron fist even as we catch glimpses of the healing that we have already received. As Rod said, to be fully healed means to be in the presence of Christ, and until he comes we cannot expect that while we still dwell on this earth. Jesus IS enough to have dealt with it all but until such time as that perspective becomes my own I will need to deal with the decay that is this life. I need to be about the work that God has put before me and I cannot do that effectively if my brain is preoccupied with stress and anxiety.
So perhaps taking medication is a small part of joining with the reality of my healing. Perhaps that is the healing that God has offered me, for now.