I’ve written some about my desire to have kids, my frustration and pain about not being able to have one naturally, the sadness, my grieving process and I’ve also written about some of my frustrations with the waiting process for becoming a foster parent. What I’ve avoided writing about are my longings. To write about those requires me to be vulnerable and that’s not easy. But this letter is an attempt to follow Jesus into that vulnerability and share my heart with Him and with you.
Hey little guy,
You don’t know me, and I don’t know you either yet. I don’t know if you are a boy or a girl, I don’t know if you are white, black, wear glasses or braces, if you just starting school or if you are already an old pro. I am not sure if you are just leaving your birth parents home or if you have been in the system for awhile. I don’t know your name, what kind of music you like, what your favorite cartoons are, I don’t know any of your hopes and dreams, I am not sure what scares you nor am I sure where you get your hope from. What I do know, all I really know is your mom and I have been waiting a very long time for you to be in our life. I believe that God especially picked us to fill the gap that is in your life, to help lead you to the place that you’ll be able to find healing for whatever deep wounds you may have. To shower you with love, to teach you about life, to create boundaries for your safety and to witness you thrive.
I don’t for a moment think that any of these tasks are going to be easy, nor am I going to pretend that your mom and I will be able to do them all without making mistakes, maybe even big mistakes, but God didn’t make any of us perfect and it’s through the mistakes that we do our best learning. I have the feeling that you’ll be teaching us so much more than we’ll ever teach you.
We are les than a week away from Christmas and buddy we had hoped that you’d be in our life by this time. For reasons that neither your mom or I understand we have been asked by God to wait, so we’re waiting. While we are waiting we are busying ourselves preparing for when you finally show up at our door. We’ve adopted a dog named Layla who like you has her own story to tell and her own wounds to heal. It’s my hope that the two of you will find a companionship that will last years to come. I am working on getting my anxiety issues under control so that I can devote all of my energy into helping you. Waiting is hard, especially around Christmas when we see all of the other moms and dads with their kids and we just have our empty house but I believe that all of the waiting, all of the obstacles, all of the trials and false starts will all be worth it when we are all finally together.
This Christmas I am going to pray that, wherever you are, whomever you are with, Christmas will be special for you. I’ll also say a prayer and ask that we’ll be together soon. I don’t know how great of a dad I am going to be but I promise I’ll do my best and I’ll always let God lead me in the choices that I make.
I love you very much and can’t wait to meet